How Do I Excite My Partner 

Sometime in the recent past a frequent question was "how do I excite my partner?" - most often coming from quite young men.  They seemed to expect a sort of instruction manual as to what to touch, how to touch, etc. as if their partner were akin to a new digital watch with all those forgettable buttons.  Now that they watch TV or read a lot of how-to manuals, they think that they know and only ask "the question" if they think that their button use was amiss, or that their de-odorant was the wrong type.  They males are often surprised when we gently smile and say "well, cheerfully taking the garbage our or a similar endeavor cheerfully done may allow for a good beginning."  The females are sometime surprised when we say "help him to feel safe."

No one way "works" for most people all of the time, but establishing a friendly relationship helps with people who like warmth and friendliness.  Hidden angers or unconscious accumulated angers do a lot to dampen or shut off feelings that require that we be open to our deep feelings.  Brief relationships or "dates" may seem more exciting because by not knowing the other person, or being known, we kind of operate in a disguise that is mostly made up out of our fantasies.  The mind needs information and if we do not have it, or fear it, we may make it up.  "Made-up information" only works until the psychological light of comprehension shines upon it.

Now let it be clear that having fantasies during intense personal contact often occur and are not necessarily anything that we would really do, and sometimes not what we should do.  Any fantasy of causing harm may serve as a stimulant as long as it is just an idea, but out of bounds as an action.  Strong, intense feelings may facilitate normal functioning, for example, particularly if one associates eroticism with being "bad"; an illusion or fantasy of being "bad" may allow for fun as long as it does not harm and is between a consenting adult person acting with another consenting adult person.

Having thoughts about other people while being engaged in close interaction with a mate or date is sometimes seen as a betrayal by insecure people.  Any thought that does no harm and helps someone to function satisfyingly with their partners may be a natural enhancement that allows us to feel the goodness of the event.  Usually these situational thoughts and feelings are of no further interest once the event is pleasantly concluded.  Blaming oneself or one's partner for fantasy is a little like blaming someone for dreams.

Now it is possible that sometimes thoughts of others as constantly preferable to one's mate may indicate some relationship difficulties that need to be worked through with a therapist or a new mate.

If one is feeling ignored, neglected, or rejected by one's mate or date it would not be realistic to expect to feel good in any close encounter with them until the bad feelings are resolved.

Sometimes a couple that seem to care for each other may only enjoy close physical relations when they are angry with each other.  Such a need for anger may stem from a lack of acceptance of the naturalness of close relations making anger necessary as a protection from fears.  These fears may be towards the mate or date of a projection from past encounters that unconsciously continually effect our present.

You might enjoy our website essay on Separation.  It possible isn't about what you think it is.  See us at

Drs. Lehrer
Associates in Psychotherapy, P.A.
Scotch Plains, NJ